


Which flower suits her best? (Which one means grief?)

by MystiePie



Series: Star-crossed Lovers [2]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Betaed, Detective Akechi Goro, Family Feels, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Sadness, Self-Reflection, Spoilers, but you know me maybe I missed something ;)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27900370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MystiePie/pseuds/MystiePie
Summary: Goro builds a bed of flowers. Then he learns what it means to mourn.Takes place roughly two weeks after the ending of "Unhinged", the main work of the series.Contains spoilers of happenings in Unhinged, so definitely read that first? ;D
Relationships: Akechi Goro & Akechi Goro's Mother, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Series: Star-crossed Lovers [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2042896
Comments: 12
Kudos: 19





	Which flower suits her best? (Which one means grief?)

**Author's Note:**

> It hasn't even been 24 hours since I posted the end of Unhinged but uh.  
> Stuff happened, the feelz train hit me in the middle of work, I typed this down (AND I WANTED TO WRITE IT AT SOME POINT, ANYWAY) and uh....  
> Welcome back, I guess?  
> MY HAND SLIPPED LOOK I'M STILL EMOTIONAL ABOUT UNHINGED ENDING I CAN'T. I'M STILL SAD ABOUT IT SO I HAD TO WRITE THIS INSTEAD AHAHHAHA no I'm joking this is one of the scenes I couldn't write into the main story, but I've always had it in the back of my mind.  
> As pointed out in the description, this takes place after Unhinged has ended. There are spoilers, therefore, but mostly, this fic is letting Goro mourn- or rather, of him learning what it means to mourn. If you haven't read Unhinged yet, maybe do that, first? ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON'T WANNA SPOILER WHO'S ENDGAME AND OTHER MYSTERIES AAAAHH  
> Though I guess I can't stop anyone from reading on welp  
> Well, most of you know Goro won't mourn all alone ;)  
> Enjoy!

Goro was staring down at the small plate ingrained on the ground.

And truth be told, he didn’t know what to think.

A little bit further down from the playground of Inokashira Park, in its near vicinity, was a vast and wide unbuilt space of plain field. The propriety still belonged to the playground, however, meaning Goro and Ren could sort of do whatever they wanted with it after acquiring permission once more.

So on a whim, the brunet had decided to build a large flower field, and had picked the seeds himself: as soon as it was time, Lilies, Roses, Gladioli, Chrysanthemums and Carnations would bloom, creating a colorful array of plants.

Then, Goro had issued an order for a certain stone plate to be fixed right in front of the flower field. The one he was currently staring at. The one that was a question, and an answer.

Now, with the cold spring breeze creeping underneath Goro's clothes, the small project was basically done. The flower field was raised up a little, and a few signs warned children and parents not to destroy or touch the field.

Goro read the letters, strung them together once more.

**In honor of Akemi Akechi**

He’d already read the plate a dozen times. He observed the new, freshly implanted field of flowers, that was still starkly naked as it was not yet time for the flowers to bloom.

He still did not understand why he’d issued all this in the first place.

Goro Amamiya’s mind was still drawing a complete and utter blank.

It wasn’t like he wanted a grave for his mother- quite the opposite, actually.

But a part of his heart yearned for _something_ \- something that made her presence, her existence, her life a little more graspable, and yet...

And yet, standing in front of her makeshift grave-

Nothing seemed to come to mind.

Goro stared, stared, stared- until he finally fell to the ground. He knew about the wooden benches around him, offering much more comfort- he and Ren had built them, after all- but somehow, he wanted to stay close to the little metal plate, even though his mind remained in some sort of white static.

His fingers gently caressed the plate, shivering slightly under the cold air and the equally cold touch.

_Huh._

_I thought this...all this...was supposed to make me feel something._

_Make me think about you, or..._

_Or cry, maybe._

_I don’t know. Maybe I had hoped it would let me reminisce._

_But what's there to reminisce if the memories are missing, non-existent?_

_This was a stupid idea from the start, wasn’t it?_

Anger rose in Goro's body, bubbling and seething inside his veins like an old, familiar friend. He didn’t know why he felt anger- was it anger at her for leaving the world so early, for having insisted on building a family with Shido, for leaving Goro to fetch after himself as she was killed?

A searing, painful shot of lightning bolted through his body, and he understood.

It was just...anger at himself, for reasons he couldn’t quite grasp and put into words yet.

Yet a look at the plate, and a deep breath of cold spring air- and the anger evaporated, giving way to an unknown feeling.

_Is this grief?_

_Am I grieving?_

_But...why?_

_Is it even possible to grief for someone you didn’t even know?_

Well, Ren would probably say yes.

But Ren said a lot of things, and wouldn’t hesitate to lie if that made Goro feel better in the long run.

_That’s a lie. Ren would never do that._

_He might butter the truth up a little so it doesn’t sting as badly, but...he would never dare to lie to me._

A sigh escaped the brunet, and he ran a hand through his hair, his gaze locked onto the metal plate still.

Silence.

Not even a bird chirped its song around him.

_Hm._

_Truth be told, I don’t know why I'm wasting my time here._

_Maybe I should just...leave._

Goro got up, letting his gaze sweep over the currently very sad image of a flower field, and his gaze got stuck once again on his mother's name.

_I wonder how long I sat in silence, with no words or thoughts forming inside my head._

_Was I supposed to, what...talk out loud, say hello or something?_

_Is there even such a thing as etiquette when visiting a makeshift grave?_

_A guide?_

_Maybe that would made things easier._

_Hm._

He turned around, his mind an empty canvas, as Yusuke liked to describe it from time to time. A bit further up ahead, on one of the benches near the swings, a certain barista was busy playing with small pebble stones underneath his feet.

Upon hearing footsteps, he stopped; the raven looked up at the figure approaching him, and a smile grazed his features, albeit delicate and hesitant.

"Hey," Ren greeted Goro softly, as he got up from the bench.

He did not say more.

Goro only stared at him, his whole mind still up in the clouds or wherever the fuck it was.

He managed to greet his fiancé back, but his voice was quivering a little; weird.

He didn’t feel anything earlier on, after all.

Ren pulled him into a hug, and squeezed him tightly.

"I love you, Goro."

Just like that, the dam broke.

_And foolish as I am, of course it would take me to find it until he had me in his arms again._

All of a sudden, an ugly wheeze escaped Goro's throat. His eyes rapidly filled with tears, his vision began to spin as he buried his face in Ren's chest, yet refrained from using his hands.

His heart? It begun to hammer with an intensity equal of an earthquake.

He heard the alarmed "Goro?" but he could not react; he was numb, and yet aware, silent, yet loud.

The empty canvas from earlier, it broke and shattered into thousands of colorful pieces, and instead of falling to the ground, a storm thundered down, sweeping up the pieces and scattering them into the wide, wide world.

In short, Goro broke.

A scream, a wail, a yell- _something_ that sounded quite inhumane and not like him at all broke free of his throat, and with a raspy gasp for air, Goro's hands flung onto Ren's coat, ignored his "Did I say something wrong? Shit, fuck, sorry, Goro-"

Nothing, and yet everything- that's what wreaked havoc in his brain.

The grip Ren had on him was an unbelievably strong one, squeezing his every bone, tried to suffocate and drown him at the same time; Ren was the ocean, the storm, the lava in his veins- everything, and nothing.

Yet it wasn’t Ren that roamed his mind so hauntingly, so heavily.

But then what was it?

The brunet didn’t know how, but they had somehow collapsed onto the bench again, and he curled up in Ren's lap like a pathetic little hedgehog, trying to release all his spikes at once.

He could still not name the sensations running and trashing and yelling and cursing and crying in his mind.

He didn’t know them, really.

Ren did not kiss him. He didn’t draw soothing circles onto his back like he usually would- he also did not say anything.

Goro only felt how painfully tight his grip was over and over again as the raven adjusted, his fingers and hands digging through the brunet’s thick coat, and yet, even caught up in the unexpected storm of emotions, Goro had to smile-

_He'd never try to hurt me._

_I know he’s holding back._

The tears had long broken free, but only know did he grow aware; Goro could breathe again, if only a little, and while he had tried his best to suffocate himself in Ren's chest, the air still managed to caress his every inch of skin, gently invading his nose and mouth.

Oh, yes, the snot would ruin Ren's favorite coat, so much was clear- but the brunet assumed that the raven had other priorities than keeping his coat clean at the moment.

Goro screamed again.

Ren's arms around him tightened even more, if that was even possible.

And when Goro drew back for a mere minute, breathing in the cold, fresh air, looking into his lover's concerned face, and kissed him like the oxygen supply that he was-

Only then did Ren become his former self, finally receiving permission by the brunet to use his former skills and tricks to calm him down.

"Oh, Goro." Ren's voice sounded broken, a raspy shadow of his former self- he was suppressing the tears himself, the brunet was sure.

One of Ren's hands shot up, strongly and yet gently caressing his hair; Goro's breathing was still erratic, he couldn’t form a thought, yet there were too many, especially as he drew away to focus on Ren’s face instead of his mind.

_Too much_

_too much_

_nothing_

_emptiness_

_it’s eerie_

_I’m overwhelmed_

_I’m alone-_

"I'm with you, babe."

A few, single and precious golden tears ran down Ren's cheeks, yet he was more determined and focused on Goro than his own self.

_But of course. I wouldn’t have expected otherwise._

Most of the time, Ren's lone presence was a sedative, yet that effect did not work as well as usual today.

"Did I do something wrong?"

Goro had not yet acquired the ability to form words- his mouth, dry, did not listen to his call.

So instead of properly replying, he mutely shook his head.

"Okay."

Ren drew him back into an embrace, pressing Goro tightly against his chest.

"I won’t ask. I won’t pry. But if you wish to, and as soon as you’re ready...you may talk to me."

_No._

_I want to hear your voice._

_It's much better than the static cacophony inside my head._

_Please._

But he could not talk, so instead, a hand crept up Ren's body, tugging and tickling his lips, as if beckoning him to talk.

As expected, Ren understood quite immediately.

"Oh, babe," he whispered, a tone so soft and intimate, it made Goro shudder pleasantly, despite having no control at the moment whatsoever. "You know you've been...you've been so strong the whole fucking time, yes?"

His hand caressed what he believed was Ren's cheek.

_I need to feel you._

_Now._

_Always._

_You're here, right?_

_I'm not alone, right?_

_You've not abandoned me, right?_

_This is not a dream?_

"But, Goro?" Ren squeezed him even more, and he didn’t even hold back the tears anymore, didn’t hide the pain in his voice, the sorrow, anguish, madness-

"You never have to act strong in front of me ever again. I mean that, okay? I won’t allow you to. I love you, I love you, I love you- I admire you so much for keeping your head up for so long. For being so strong, for not breaking down. But it's okay now."

They both sobbed.

"I'm your anchor, and your partner, right? So you can let go. You can let the inhibitions run free. And I'll-"

_You'll cry with me, because you feel the same._

_Or maybe that's not quite correct. You know the pain in my chest, and you suffer under it the same way that I do._

_Dear, I love you._

"-I'll be with you, because our souls- despite the fact that they are split into two- they live in the other. They _breathe_ with the other. They feel the same. And so, for good and for bad...we both suffer together."

When Goro screamed, Ren's anguish cry mixed along, and together, the cacophony of their souls mashed, merged, fused-

And yet, the feeling was still there, a heavy weight on Goro's chest he could not remove, and could not carry.

What was he supposed to do?

His mind and body still did not cooperate.

But his fiancé did.

"Goro. My heart bleeds."

_I know._

"It hurts."

_I know!_

"But, you know what?"

Goro remained silent.

"I am torn. Not because of pain- or at least, not only because of that. But because I am afraid- that with every scream and tear..." Ren's voice shook, broke- "...she could hear."

_Ah._

"I want her to know you're happy. I want to be happy _for_ her, in her place. But still, this hollow feeling in my chest, it claws and trashes, it rips me apart from the inside, and despite the fact that I want to smile for her, wish to laugh for her- I can't. Not right now."

Goro let his next scream break free.

"But you know what? Such is the fate of mankind- being constantly torn in choosing between their desires and their actions. And I think...I think it's fine. If we're doomed to operate and think like that, then...then let's grieve for now, my love. Okay? It wouldn’t be fair, after all, not to be allowed to."

_Really?_

_Are you sure?_

_She won’t be angry?_

_She won’t be sad?_

"I'm sure...thinking about the fact what a wonderful woman she was, no, is- she would understand. She'd hug us and tell us not to mourn her for too long, but that- that whenever this wave of sadness washes over us- that she'd tell us it's okay. It's fine...to give in to our sadness and our pain, if only for a moment of weakness."

Another wail broke free, but Goro felt the feeling of his arms and legs returning; felt the surge of oxygen, of Ren's, no, _their_ scent, and-

And while he was not okay, he knew he could truly let loose now.

They cried for a long time.

Ren's warmth was as grounding as ever, but it was not enough. For the first time in his life, Goro realized that Ren could not always replace things or people for him.

But that was okay.

His hand clawed into the fabric of his lover’s clothes once more.

As long as Ren was still _there_ when he suffered, as long as he held him close, as long as he kissed him as gently as he did- the situation, the pain, the feeling, the blank state of his mind or whatever it was- would be a little more tolerable.

Not easier, sadly.

But better.

Goro had never felt quite as exhausted as before when his tears subsided- or maybe he did. Maybe he’d felt as exhausted back when he’d broke down drunk in Ren’s arms, or that time he lost his shit at Ann’s- but they were all different feelings.

Different situations.

He stopped crying, not because he couldn’t cry anymore, but because the feeling in his bones laid on him like a heavy blanket, making it unable for him to go struggle more for now.

But his tongue was loose now, albeit his mind still white.

So he did not know where the next words came from, and he would never find out, either.

"I miss her."

He sounded like a child. A teen. An adult.

"I know, babe." Ren sounded as wrecked as he did.

"How can you miss someone you didn’t know?"

_How can someone you don’t know possess the ability to clutch and rip your heart out of your chest, letting it bleed dry in the sun?_

"You knew her."

Goro scoffed. "Do you mean those few instances I remember questionable memories from the past?"

"Partly," Ren replied, pressing a shaky kiss atop of his head. "But...your soul knew her. Your soul connected to her, loved and cared for her. So did she- when she carried you in her womb, and when she raised you for seven years. And now, your mind and soul are torn apart, so you don’t know...what to do, or what to trust. I know."

Ren's hand began stroking his hair.

"I feel the very same."

"But you knew her even less!" Goro's protest was mean, unjust- yet the vile words made their way out, broke free.

"It's true. My soul didn’t ever hear her, or feel her even once. I only know her as the Mother in one of your tales. But…I see her in you, sometimes. A shimmer of her soul."

Goro's tongue felt heavy as Ren slowly loosened his embrace, letting their gazes meet once again.

"The beautiful glimmer of a righteous, kind person. A strong soul, a rebel at heart- proud, and not bested by the world."

His lover's smile was shaky.

"You inherited those traits from her, with her beauty. But you formed them yourself- you didn’t only copy her in a sorry attempt of what other people do, when they lose their way. You made her legacy your own, and-"

"Became a murderer," Goro spat out, drawing sorrow onto Ren's face.

"No, honey-"

"It's true. I twisted all the things she granted me, ruined myself- I hated the world, I hated her, I had no shred of love- I killed it all, the things she wanted to give me."

"But you do love now. You’ve changed."

Goro sobbed.

"I wish I could ask for her forgiveness," he wailed, "I wish I could express her how bad I feel- how much I scream and cry when I think about the fact that she left the world for me. How grateful I am, and yet how sad. I want to know her. I wish to know her. I don’t know her, though."

"But this is not all," Ren softly added, "there's more, Goro. What other feelings torment your soul, your heart?"

"I wish I could tell her how much I hate her, too- for killing herself. For leaving me alone. For not sacrificing me- for being involved with Shido. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her- but I also...yearn for her. I am jealous of anyone who ever had the privilege of knowing her."

"I know."

"These feelings are naught but atrocious! You're not supposed to trash talk the dead-"

"But she did hurt you, Goro. She didn’t want to, but she did. Those words that once left her mouth, that made you think you weren’t loved. They were _devastating_. You know I share your feelings. I'm also angry at her- I'm mad, that, despite the fact that she was so fucking strong, she let you down very few times- but the few times that were crucial, and were impactful in the long run. You know?"

_I know, I know, I know-_

"I hate her," he heard himself sob, "but I also...love her. I don’t know why. I don’t. I really don’t."

"And that's okay," Ren murmured, "It's all okay. The heavy weight in your chest- it aches and yearns and screams. And I am so sad to be forced to admit to this, but...No one, not even me, Goro, will ever be able to move the weight away completely, or make it disappear."

"I _know_ ," Goro sniveled.

"I want to feel her hug- one more time. I'm not asking for much. I want her to talk- once more. To ingrain the soft voice she must have had, not the gruesome one I remember in my nightmares. I want to feel her kisses on my skin- and then she can fuck off forever, for all I care. But I want to thank her before she does so, for granting me and cursing me with this life."

Goro drew in a raspy breath.

"Mother. Why? Why did you have to leave? Why did you have to die? Why did all of this happen the way it did?"

Ren could not give him the answer to that.

The silence around them couldn’t, either.

So Goro filled it with his anguish screams and tears instead, and so did Ren.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, when they had both calmed down, when he was able to sit on the bench by himself, huddled close to his lover, their hands intertwined.

"Don't you ever apologize for that, Goro. Besides, I dumped as much of my own feelings onto you, too, right?"

"I guess."

They shared a shaky kiss.

"The idea of a flower bed for her that blooms and withers all the time is beautiful, Goro."

"It caused me to turn into a crying, despairing mess, but yeah."

Ren chuckled lightly.

"But it's better this way- that you have this place, I mean. It's far enough that you don’t see it immediately if we play around on the playground, but it's near enough all the same. I remember how you said you picked this place because you reminisced about her the most when you were here.”

There was a gentle smile on Ren’s face, so radiant and yet so gentle.

“So if you do feel like talking to her, or wish to grasp a shred of her soul all over again- you can always come here, and that’s great. You did a great thing for yourself, Goro."

The brunet’s hand intertwined with his lover tightened its grip, almost hurting the raven.

"Will you come along, next time?"

"Always, Goro. Always and forever."

"Okay." He was sniffling again, and Ren giggled airily as he handed him more tissues, his own eyes dampening, too.

"I still have to tell her that we're going to marry soon. I wonder if she'll be excited?"

"She's dead, Ren. She won’t reply." Goro deadpanned.

A finger tipped against his chest, upon the place of his hollow heart.

"She lives in here," Ren stated, "but she also lives- around us."

"What?"

"A person never dies so long as you keep them close to your heart, Goro. And that person- it will always watch over you like that, too. So if you talk to her, she might answer- by using the breeze of the air, by making the sea sway gently, by giving air to your lunges. You get it, right? I don’t want to be too sappy, but that’s....that's how I like to think about it."

"That really is sappy," Goro replied, but his heart fluttered a little lighter, the weight on his chest moving and stirring.

"I'm well aware," his fiancé giggled, drawing Goro's hand up and pressing a kiss to the naked skin. "I wonder- do you think she'd have approved of me, if she met me? Would she have liked me?"

_If someone is able to push the heavy weight on my chest around, is able to share my pain and my thoughts, is my voice when I can't talk- how could anyone ever not approve of them, Ren?_

_I didn’t have the privilege of knowing her, but I know one thing: she'd have treasured you similarly to the way I do._

"I don’t know," he said instead, hoping his teasing tone would carry through.

Ren only smiled.

_You know what I'm thinking all the time, Ren._

_Don’t act as if you didn’t know now._

"You sure?"

"She'd have loved you," a voice that wasn’t quite his own replied, and his eyes grew wide- shocked, he looked around them, searched for something or someone that had forced the words out of his throat, but to no avail- there was only the gentle spring breeze, kissing his cheeks, and a few birds chirping happily.

Ren broke into tears again, but he smiled as he cheekily replied: "I know!"

Leafs fell to the ground as they kissed, the wind gently approving of their display of love.

***

_He truly is a gem, Goro._

_And so are you._

_I wish you the best- yourself, your lover, and your friends._

_You have made me so proud._

_Now go, and bloom on like the gorgeous flowers you picked for me._

***

When Goro woke up the next day, feeling as if someone had kissed his cheek, and Ren felt the same, despite both of them insisting they hadn’t done anything- it sounded like the trees outside chuckled under the gentle spring breeze, a hint of mischief glimmering and vanishing quickly.

And in the evening, the sun set in a bright, vivacious red as it caressed their skin, gently guiding the couple into each other’s embrace, never to let go again.

**Author's Note:**

> Wait I totally forgot...all the flowers in the fic are actually used for grief/mourning purposes.   
> Oh, and while Goro says his mother killed herself, he meant it in the sense that she had to surrender and give up. He doesn’t mean that she commited suicide.
> 
> DON'T LOOK AT ME I DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING TO END UP WRITING TODAY EITHER!!! FOR REAL!!!!
> 
> I hope you liked this little snippet. I hope it was able to make your heart squeeze a lil again (I mean, I hope it made you cry, but that sounds fucked up lol). And if it did evoke any feels in you, kudos and comments are the BEST THING IN THE FUCKING WORLD YOU KNOW IT dkjfkdhkhkdshf I love you all. I hope you liked peeking into Goro's and Ren's world again, and if you have any questions- do tell me!  
> SEE YOU NEXT TIME WHENEVER THAT MAY BE AHAHAHHAH


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